Scott Neumyer | Writer, Podcaster, Bacon Lover, Anxious

Writing

Published Writing (Highlights)

Cover Stories

BELLA New York, July/August 2014 Issue

BELLA New York, May/June 2014 Issue

BELLA New York, March/April 2014 Issue

Photo District News, May 2014 Issue

The Home News Tribune, January 19, 2013 Issue

The Home News Tribune, August 16, 2012 Issue

Essays

The first thing I thought when my wife told me that she was pregnant with our second child was that I was a liar.

Four years ago, I wrote an article titled “One and Done” for  Parenting magazine, which is now shut down. Touted on the cover with a big, fat quote, I spent much of a entire glossy page explaining how my wife and I, like many other parents, were completely satisfied with only our one beautiful child.

I am Royce White.

I am not 6’ 8. I can barely grow a beard, much less one of the epic varieties that White often sports. I’ve never been named “Mr. Basketball” in Minnesota, or anywhere else for that matter. In fact, my basketball career ended before I finished high school.

We found Adventure Time several seasons in. When the groundbreaking series, created by Pendleton Ward, premiered in 2010, my daughter Skylar was only one year old. At that point, the only shows she watched religiously were Sesame StreetWonder Pets, and Baby Einstein. One-year-olds aren’t usually thinking about the intricacies of animation, emotional storylines, and nuanced cultural references. They just want to see pretty colors and hear a lot of singing.

Scott contributed an essay entitled “This Thing Inside Me” to this wonderful anthology edited by Jessica Burkhart. It was published by Simon Pulse in 2018.

Scott contributed an essay entitled “Easter in Ruins” to this anthology edited by Kevin Sorbo and Amy Newmark. It was published in 2013.

I used to love Christmas. Every Christmas Eve, my parents, sister, and I would take a short, 10-minute drive to my grandparent’s house, eat until we were stuffed, walk across the street to church, and sing a few Christmas carols with the small congregation before going back to exchange presents. Just the idea of piling into my mother’s tiny, red Dodge Omni around that time of year was enough to evoke the smell of pine trees and the minty taste of candy canes.

There are parents out there who don’t know any more about LEGO than the searing pain and anger associated with stepping on a single, stray brick with bare feet. And then there are parents like me, who grew up stacking and stacking tiny rectangular plastic bricks for days until my creations came to life. One of the many reasons that Phil Lord and Chris Miller’s fantastic The LEGO Movie raked in a box office-winning $69 million during its opening weekend (on a $60 million budget, that’s a lot of gold bricks), and over $150 million to date—while also having a higher “fresh” rating on Rotten Tomatoes (currently at 95%) than every single Best Picture Oscar nominee this year—is that they’ve made a movie that works for both of those sets of parents, and it does so in the guise of a film made bright and shiny enough to thrill any kid out there.

Almost every day now we see stories of gun violence in the United States. It’s become an epidemic that seems, at times, utterly unstoppable. The violence happens, hundreds of articles are written, and everyone argues about what can be done. The next week it starts all over again. Disheartening, sad, and disgusting is the only way to describe it.

I’m not here to tell you that I have the solution or that one side of the gun control argument is right and the other side is wrong. I’m here to tell you why I don’t, and will likely never own a gun again.

The first time I ever called my daughter “Bug,” I remember my wife turning and looking at me with contempt.

“Don’t call her Bug,” she said. “Where did you even get that from?”

To be honest, the first time I said it, I didn’t even realize where I’d picked up the cutesy moniker. It just came out, as do so many other silly little names I’ve called my daughter, Skylar, since she was born.

But by the time I’d said it enough times for it to really stick as a nickname, I knew exactly where it originated.

I turned 35 this month, and it was only this past week that my mother told me why one part of our extended family hasn’t spoken to us for nearly 30 years.

As you might expect, the reason is some ridiculous old grudge. One that springs up when a family member dies, someone feels slighted, and they hold onto that anger for three decades. It’s extremely silly and unfortunate for everyone affected by it.

But do you know what the first thing I thought when I first heard this lurid little tale? I thought, “The Braverman family would never have let this happen.” And maybe I’m wrong about that, but I can’t help but feel that Zeek and Camille would have found a way 25 years ago to patch up the wounds before they started to fester.

Interviews & Profiles

With 4/20 coming around this Sunday, we could have easily given you a list of all the reasons that Super Troopers has become one of the greatest “stoner comedies” of all time. Instead, we decided to chat with all five of the Broken Lizard guys to let them tell you all about this little film they made nearly 15 years ago and how it turned into the cult classic it is today. Spark it up, cinephiles! It’s oral-history time.

Mel Brooks is a man who needs no introduction. One of Hollywood’s legends, Brooks has bucked the system for decades and created some of the most memorable movies (and characters) of all time. Not only is he one of the kindest, smartest, and most influential directors of all time, but he also knows how to tell a great story. Parade sat down with Brooks to let him tell a few of those great stories, this time about the 40th anniversary of Blazing Saddles (which hits Blu-ray on May 6), the possibility of Spaceballs 2: The Search for More Money, and why he never made a military spoof.

He may only be in his mid-thirties, but the instantly recognizable Joshua Jackson has been acting in TV and films for nearly a quarter-century. The actor broke out with a role in 1992’s “The Mighty Ducks,” but it was a little show on The WB called “Dawson’s Creek” that made him a household name. A decade after he started playing the role of Pacey Witter, Jackson took the lead in Fox’s sci-fi drama “Fringe,” lasted five seasons.

Only a year after the end of “Fringe,” Jackson is re-inventing himself again as ranch-owning, bereaved father and cuckold Cole Lockhart on Showtime’s hit new drama “The Affair.” It’s a role that he’s not only playing beautifully, but one that’s also helped Jackson realize that a career in television need not end with the exhausting marathon of working on network shows.

Taissa Farmiga never planned to follow in her big sister Vera Farmiga’s footsteps and become an actor. It just sort of happened. Following her debut in Vera’s film Higher Ground, Taissa, 19, landed the role of Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott’s daughter, Violet Harmon, on the first season of Ryan Murphy’s macabre FX series American Horror Story. After taking a break from the show during season two, Farmiga is back as Zoe Benson – a witch with a very unique power – in American Horror Story: Coven, arguably the series’ best season to date. Rolling Stone sat down with the actress to talk witches, social media and her on-set besties.

We already told you how much we loved Lifetime’s Flowers in the Attic adaptation (on DVD tomorrow), way back in January, when we spoke with Heather Graham about her role in the film. But we’d be remiss if we didn’t also include Ellen Burstyn’s turn as “Bad Grandma” in our list of reasons why the remake works so well. Burstyn has won nearly every award an actor can win, and yet she’s still turning in some of the best work of her career and, as you’ll see in our chat below, she’s busier than ever. Parade sat down with the legendary actress to discuss “Bad Grandma,” the upcoming Petals on the Wind, and career longevity.

Taissa Farmiga never planned to follow in her big sister Vera Farmiga’s footsteps and become an actor. It just sort of happened. Following her debut in Vera’s film Higher Ground, Taissa, 19, landed the role of Connie Britton and Dylan McDermott’s daughter, Violet Harmon, on the first season of Ryan Murphy’s macabre FX series American Horror Story. After taking a break from the show during season two, Farmiga is back as Zoe Benson – a witch with a very unique power – in American Horror Story: Coven, arguably the series’ best season to date. Rolling Stone sat down with the actress to talk witches, social media and her on-set besties.

Investigative

“I want to be so skinny that all my bones show through. That’s my dream in life.”

This might be the most shocking comment I heard during several weeks of interviewing Instagram users with eating disorders, and I heard plenty that were disturbing enough. These words came from the mouth of a 14-year-old girl who I’ll call Chelsea.[1]

TV, Movies, and Entertainment

Until Dawn is certainly not the first interactive video game to give players the chance to essentially sit in the director’s chair and change the fate of the narrative, but it’s easily the first one to execute it as well as it does.

It was only last month that The Hollywood Reporter broke the story that Martha Marcy May Marlene director Sean Durkin would helm Sony’s upcoming big screen adaptation of Little House on the Prairie but, for fans of the long-running NBC series, that’s not even close to being the most exciting Little House news of 2014.

Whether you’ve never seen Little House or you’re watching it for the twentieth time, plowing through nine seasons of a show is a serious time commitment. Hence, we put together this list of the 15 Essential Episodes of the series for your viewing enjoyment.

Sports

Is there a time when media exposure hits a tipping point and becomes too much of a good thing for someone? If so, the 2014 NFL Offensive Rookie of the Year might be on the brink of it.

UFC welterweight champion Georges St-Pierre (“GSP” as most MMA fans know him) hasn’t fought inside the Octagon since April 30, 2011, when he successfully defended his belt against Jake Shields at UFC 129. That’s a long time for the UFC to be without one of its biggest, and most likable, stars as he recovered from a knee injury that required surgery.

All that will change, however, when GSP steps into the Octagon on Nov. 17 against interim welterweight champion Carlos Condit at UFC 154 in Montreal. Fighting in his own backyard might just be the best test for the returning champ, who’s not only considered one of the best pound-for-pound fighters in the world, but is also a three-time ESPY Award nominee and Canadian Athlete of the Year.

Reviews & Recaps

The slate of network comedies set to debut over the next month is particularly weak this year, but that doesn’t mean that all of them are bad (though we’re pretty sure Dads is so bad it should count as at least three bad shows). The midseason premieres are much better, but fall is pretty rough. Shining from the depths of this year’s comedy mine are shows like The Michael J. Fox Show (NBC) and The Goldbergs (ABC) that at least show some semblance of potentially bringing the funny on a weekly basis. One show, however, shines just a bit more brightly than all the others not just because its pilot is a ton of goofy fun, but because it also has the most potential of any new comedy this year: Fox’s Brooklyn Nine-Nine, which premieres tonight.

Sleepy Hollow is quite possibly the most fun you’ll have with a new television show this fall. The reason? It’s unabashedly crazy.

The series, loosely based on Washington Irving’s classic short story, turns Ichabod Crane (Tom Mison) into a Colonial American soldier under the command of George Washington. Shortly after lopping off the Horseman’s head, it appears to the viewer that Crane dies. That is, until he awakens alongside his nemesis in 2013. Got all that? Good, because it’s about to get even more complicated.